Police to begin missing person hunt as Altrincham Pure Gym ponce fails to tag in

An image to depict Altrincham Pure Gym

Police are set to launch one of the biggest man hunts in Trafford history following reports that local Altrincham Pure Gym ponce, Tag Daley, failed to announce he was in the gym and precisely what part of his body he was exercising this morning.

Close friends and family have been left in a state of panic after the over preened spunk trumpet failed to make a public announcement about his morning Altrincham Pure Gym visit with an avalanche of unnecessary, preachy hashtags.

The girlfriend of the missing brag-fest gave a statement earlier, she said, “It’s just not like him at all. He’s a good lad from a good family who never misses an opportunity to preach about how much exercise he’s doing or how healthy his food is. I’m absolutely worried sick. If any one has seen my eyebrow plucked, excuse of a man, please return him home safe to his family where we’ll be waiting with open arms – and kale”.

Sonia Fivo of Greater Manchester Police urged the public to be vigilant, “Someone knows where this narcissistic social media nuisance is. The fact he hasn’t posted an inspiring Instagram and Facebook post or selfie in almost two hours is extremely alarming. As with most missing person cases, the first 24 hours will be vital. Tag, if you are hearing or reading this, please post a photo of your gluten-free lunch so we know you are safe”.

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