Cat strongly denies being a total c*nt

An image to depict a grumpy cat

An Altrincham cat who destroys everything in sight, shits in his owner’s bed and launches random, vicious attacks has refuted accusations he is a cunt, insisting he is just misunderstood.

Tiddles the cat, a notorious Altrincham assassin, has strongly denied claims he is a mood-swinging total cunt.

His physically and mentally scared owners made a panic-stricken 999 call yesterday, when Tiddles insinuated he wanted his belly scratching but didn’t mean it, launching a devastating attack on his owners and their furniture.

Cat refusing to negotiate

Cat slave, Shirley Haddenoff, insists every mediation tactic in the battle with Tiddles so far has failed due to his reluctance to negotiate.

Fighting back tears she said, “We have tried everything but he just doesn’t want to know. I’ve lost count of the times we thought we had made real progress only to find another shit buried in my duvet. We haven’t been able to celebrate Christmas properly for years due to his hatred for Christmas trees and I’m on my ninth pair of curtains this year. The whole family is at their wits end!”

When we approached Tiddles for a response he was unrelenting, refuting claims that any responsibility for current tensions be brought to his cat flap.

“I find it ludicrous that I have to lower myself to even answer such wild accusations. You wanted a cat, I was fine with that. Next minute you want children and a dog. Sorry if I’m not OK with that, but it’s not like you consulted me is it Shirls? If your house is trashed you’ve only got yourself to blame. I’m completely misunderstood”.

Taylor Tompkinson

Trafford Express is for entertainment purposes only, and the drivel contained within it should not be considered factual whatsoever. If anything published on Trafford Express has caused you offence, please rest assured we are not even the slightest bit bothered. Anybody taking this nonsense seriously should seek urgent medical assistance to have their head removed from their arse.

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