High street sales soar as men finally start their Christmas shopping

The high street has received a welcome boost as men all over the country finally decided to join the Christmas shopping rat race.

Sales of any old shit have increased by a whopping 20,000% on the lead up to Christmas Eve as unprepared men stumble their way from one retail outlet to another in the hope of finding something adequate for their nearest and dearest.

A very merry Christmas for retailers

We spoke to a Trafford Centre source who didn’t want to be named and they said “This is the day as retailers that we love the most. We drag out all the shite we haven’t been able to sell throughout the year, double the price and wait for the unsuspecting morons to come wandering in. Most retailers within the centre are reporting sales of any old shit have gone through the roof again this year, which is great for the economy obvs”.

The amount of shit sold on Christmas Eve shows no signs of declining, with this year completing a record 80th rise in a row as men seem as happy as ever to leave it all to the last minute.   

Ethel King, an employee of Home Bargains at the George Street Altrincham branch confessed, “The sheer amount of useless crap I’ve seen leave this store with panicked blokes today is leaving me anxious about what delights are awaiting me tomorrow. In 40 years of marriage he’s never managed to get me anything decent yet”.

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