Boris Johnson urges UK to burn elderly relatives to cut down on winter heating costs

Boris Johnson hates the elderly

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, today announced the biggest change to energy efficiency in a generation, when he called for UK citizens to burn elderly relatives instead of wasting money on heating costs.

Boris Johnson is already under massive pressure from the the elderly, as his promises of completing Brexit on 31 October now seem as believable as Jeremy Corbyn getting an invite for a chippy tea with the Queen.

With pressure mounting and energy prices soaring, he has delivered a not so veiled message to the younger members of Britain. Save on energy bills and cut down the chance of the elderly kicking you in the millennials in future votes at the same time.  

In a rousing speech earlier outside number 10, the Prime Minister said, “I call all millennials to consider one thing this winter, are your grandparents worth more than your avocado on toast and double macchiato in a medium cup, hot milk, no foam? It’s time to cut down on energy costs, cut down on pension costs, and cut down on the bloody elderly!”

Help the Aged send plea to all millennials

Although most elderly people will burn for hours and consider incineration nothing more than a mild irritation, Help the Aged have pleaded for millennials to act with caution before making any major decisions regarding household heating.

A Help the Aged spokesman delivered the following statement earlier, “The Prime Minister’s proposals are callous and uncalled for, we simply must look at other alternatives before we burn through the elderly willy-nilly. It won’t be long before we become reliant on it as a source of energy and when supplies start getting short we’ll be left with a decision as to just how old is elderly.

Stock market tremors

Share prices in Poligrip have dropped by 35% in value overnight, with Tena rumoured to have already called in administrators under the fear of imminent closure.

However the Prime Minister is unrelenting in his pursuit of the elderly, as Ken Clarke is all too aware.

Taylor Tompkinson


2 thoughts on “Boris Johnson urges UK to burn elderly relatives to cut down on winter heating costs

  1. We will.not burn for hours because are dried up and very brittle. There may also be a short spurt of liquid as we are thrown on the fire and that will shorten.our heating period even more.

    Could I suggest that we consider throwing on the fire all those back stabbing treacherous MP’s ex MP’s and M’Luds who have betrayed our country and it’s people over Brexit.

    They are absolutely full of Hot Air to start with and that’s a good start. In addition they also have a high quantity of Gas in their body
    which is useful. The temperature is also increased by Treachery and this is in abundance in these back stabbing traitors so please, forget throwing the elderly on the fire and burn the treacherous MP’S ex MP’S and M ‘Luds. Not only will you be warmer for longer but you will be killing off lots and lots of ANTI DEMOCRATIC ENEMIES OF OUR VOUNYRY

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