A teetotal Altrincham vegan is to face manslaughter charges for boring a work colleague to death with stories of how healthy and moral she feels.
Police were called to disturbing scenes in an Altrincham office block at 2pm yesterday following a rather long and very boring story too far for the victim.
Imma Telya, who has been teetotal and vegan for 4 days, lead a vicious and sadistic onslaught of excruciatingly preachy speeches at the victim, named as local man Keith Stapleton.
Mr Stapleton was pronounced dead at the scene, and, armed with hundreds of witness statements, police promptly arrested Miss Telya on suspicion of manslaughter.
One eyewitness, who didn’t want to be named, said “She’s been giving it large all week and it was only a matter of time before she drained the life from one of us. You have never heard such tosh in your life, we were all praying for her to cave in and grab a bottle of cheap Prosecco and a kebab, but the meat dodging mofo didn’t cave as quick as we’d hoped and now somebody has died”
Asked if she thought the government were doing enough to raise awareness of teetoal vegans boring the fuck out of people, she replied emphatically.
“Nowhere near enough! Until you have met a teetotal vegan you have no idea about the level of moral preaching you are going to face. The newest recruits are the worse, with a sense of smugness most people could never imagine. I’m saddened, but I’m certainly not shocked it has cost someone their life. Something has to be done quickly”.