United offer packet of Digestive biscuits and used mansize tissue for £75m midfielder

An image to depict Manchester United transfers

Legendary transfer fuck up, Ed Woodward, is to make an opening swap offer of a packet of Digestive biscuits and a mansize tissue for Lazio midfielder Sergej Milinković-Savić in the hope of bringing him to United.

Ed Woodward, the financial genius turned transfer shit-house, has proposed a swap deal in an opening bid for Lazio midfielder Sergej Milinković-Savić.

The midfield maestro is valued at £75m by his club, but true to form off-his-head Ed believes he can get his man to Old Trafford for much less.

Wages stumbling block

The tissue, who is said to earn £350,000 per week, is in no hurry to move on, with most clubs unwilling to pay rubbish such high wages.

United have been trying to get the Digestives and tissue off their books for a couple of seasons to bring the wage bill down, however useless shit are rarely too keen to move onto a club who will recognise they are worth absolutely fuck all.

It is expected United will make a second bid 30 seconds before the transfer deadline to ensure they are forced to pay 6 times more than originally quoted.

Taylor Tompkinson

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